Semrush is an SEO suite. I had it for about a year and I used maybe a tenth of it. About a hundred and twenty dollars a month, roughly fourteen hundred dollars a year.
I cancelled it on a Tuesday. Then I called Doug, who does marketing for a living and has opinions about it. Doug is the only person I know who can say “top of funnel” without laughing.
I asked Doug what I should do instead. Doug said the fundamentals matter more than the tool. He said to know the customer, know the competition, and write everything down. He said this while eating a sandwich I had paid for.
So the sandwich was the research budget. Doug’s advice was free, technically, but the sandwich was not, and I have decided the whole arrangement counts as a marketing department. Here is what the department needs.
about two hundred and forty dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
Doug said competitive research means watching what other businesses do without them noticing you. I looked into it and the coat is the standard equipment. Khaki, belted, the kind a reporter wears in a movie about a reporter. Donna asked where I would wear it. I said outside. She asked where outside. I said that depends on the competition.
about one hundred and eighty dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
The coat gets me close. These let me stay across the street, which is a legal distance and I have decided so. Donna says we do not have competitors. I said we have neighbors who are up to things.
about five hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Aerial view of the block. Doug mentioned market visibility and I have not stopped thinking about it. There is no more visible market than one seen from above. Donna asked if it has a camera. I said that is the entire point of the drone.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Doug said consistency is a brand asset. A laminated thing cannot be smudged, changed, or argued with. Every document I produce from now on comes out of this machine and becomes permanent. That is what consistency means.
about sixty five dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
The software had a whole section about reaching people. This reaches people. There is no algorithm in the middle, just me and the cul-de-sac. Donna said the cul-de-sac has asked me to stop. I said that is engagement.
Horn-rimmed glasses with plain lenses
about one hundred and ten dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
Doug wears glasses. Doug is in marketing. At some point the glasses became part of the job. Mine have no prescription in them, which means I can wear them all day and see exactly the same. Donna said they make me look like I am about to explain a funnel. I said thank you.
Rubber stamp with my face on it
about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
Branding. Every invoice, every note, every napkin gets the face. A logo is a promise you make over and over until people believe it. Donna asked what the promise is. I said that I was here.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
Two boards, a hinge, and a message. I can stand it on the corner. Donna said not in front of the house. I said fine, the corner. She asked which corner. I said the one with the most foot traffic, which is the one by the mailbox.
about four hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
Doug stands. Doug says sitting is the enemy of output. I have a perfectly good table, but a table says nothing about me. This one goes up and down, which means on a slow day I can stand, and on a busy day I can also stand.
about two hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
Lead generation. Doug said leads are everywhere, you just have to find them. So far I have found bottle caps. Donna asked if a bottle cap is a lead. I said a bottle cap is a start.
about twenty two dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
Growth. Green means growth. This is not a metaphor, it is a plant in the corner of the room where the business happens. Donna said a plant does not make money. I said a plant that dies makes a point about neglect, and this one is going to thrive.
about forty five dollars. Shark rating 1.7.
For the daily message. Today’s message is open. Tomorrow’s message is also open. The board is the channel. The chalk is the content strategy.
about forty five dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
A business number. If someone calls it, I know it is not my mother, because my mother calls the other one. Donna asked who is going to call it. I said that is the exact problem I am solving by having it.
about thirty five dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
Contact management. Every person I meet gets a card. Doug gets a card. The mail carrier gets a card, because a mail carrier knows everyone on the street, which is a network. Donna asked if I have met anyone else. I said I am working on the card for the pharmacist.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
It says Steve, and under that it says Marketing. The second line is the one that matters. Donna asked if I am marketing anything. I said I am marketing the idea that I am in marketing.
about thirty dollars for five hundred. Shark rating 2.2.
Five hundred cards. I have handed out six. One went to Doug, who already knows me. One went to a man at the hardware store who put it in his pocket without reading it. That is a warm lead.
about one hundred and sixty dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
Doug said if it is not written down it did not happen. I have written things down. Now they need somewhere to happen. Two drawers for the business, one drawer for warranties on things I bought to support the business, and one drawer I have not decided on yet.
about thirty five dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
Everything in the office gets a label. The cabinet gets a label. The label maker gets a label that says label maker, which is accurate and also a joke. Donna said the label maker does not need a label. I said the label maker is the only thing in this house that understands me.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
Doug plans on a whiteboard. He says you cannot lie to a whiteboard because the marker is right there. I have drawn three columns: now, soon, and later. The now column says buy more markers. The later column says explain the columns to Donna.
about twenty five dollars. Shark rating 2.9.
The whiteboard is for the plan. The corkboard is for the evidence. Right now the evidence is a receipt, a bottle cap from the metal detector, and a photo of Doug at lunch looking like he is about to give me advice. He was. He did.
about fourteen dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
Every document gets a date. A document without a date is a rumor. Donna asked if any of the documents are real. I said they will be once they are dated.
about nine dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
A clipboard means you are doing something. Nobody carries a clipboard and is not doing something. I will carry it around the house. Donna said that is the worst thing I have said this week, and it was Wednesday.
about six dollars for a pack. Shark rating 3.2.
Doug said write down every idea. I have written down twenty two. Three are about the coat. One is about a second coat. The rest are about lunch.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
For timing tasks. If a task runs longer than the stopwatch says, the task was too big and I split it. If it runs shorter, I was efficient. Either way I get to press the button.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
The stopwatch is for measuring. The timer is for telling me to stop. Those are different jobs. Donna said they are the same job. I said the stopwatch has never once told me to stop.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
Everything goes in the binder. The punch is the door to the binder.
about seven dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
You cannot run a binder operation without clips. This is not a preference. This is how binders work.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.6.
A stapler is a commitment. A paper clip says maybe. A staple says these two pages are one document now. Donna said I stapled two napkins together. I said the napkins were related.
about five dollars. Shark rating 3.7.
The idea system. Every idea gets a note. When an idea is finished, the note goes in the trash, which is also part of the system and honestly the most satisfying part.
about nine dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
A business sends things. Things go in envelopes. That is the entire outbound strategy and it costs less than a coffee.
about eleven dollars for a book. Shark rating 3.9.
Envelopes without stamps are paper folded around other paper. Donna asked who I am mailing. I said that is a details question and I am still at the strategy level.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
One tray is in, one tray is out. The out tray has been empty since I bought it, which I am treating as a sign of efficiency rather than a sign of anything else. The in tray has the receipt for the trays.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 4.1.
Doug signs things with a good pen. Not a fancy pen, a good one, heavy in the hand. You write differently with a pen that costs more than the notebook. Donna said that is not true. I said I have already started writing differently and she has not seen it yet.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 4.2.
One notebook, one subject, everything in order. No loose cards sliding off the counter. This is what the professionals use, and I am told they use it because it works.
about eight dollars for a ream. Shark rating 4.3.
Five hundred sheets. The laminator needs it, the binder needs it, the envelopes need something to hold. This is the raw material of the whole department.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 4.4.
The corner of the room where the business happens has no overhead light. I have been working in the shape of a shadow. This fixes that, and it means the whiteboard is readable after five in the afternoon, which is when I do my best thinking lately.
about zero dollars. Shark rating 4.5.
Doug said the best research is reading. The library has reading and it does not bill by the month. Mine lapsed during the year I was paying a hundred and twenty dollars a month for a dashboard I opened twice. Donna said she would come with me to renew it. That is the first thing she has said about this plan that sounded like support.
about a hundred and twenty dollars a month, for twelve months. Shark rating 4.6.
The original plan, kept exactly as written. Doug gives better advice when he is eating, the advice is specific to me, and the cost comes out to what the software cost. He does not know I am calling it a retainer. I intend to keep calling it that.
about eighteen dollars for a pack. Shark rating 4.9.
The last item and the only one nobody can argue with. My socks have holes in them. A marketing department cannot be run by a shark with holes in his socks. This is infrastructure. Donna said fine, buy the socks. That is the first purchase she has approved all week and I am counting it as a trend.