I cancelled Grammarly Premium. It was about twelve dollars a month, or roughly one hundred and forty-four dollars a year. That money can go to Mrs. Kessler, the retired English teacher on the other side of the garden fence. She reads my sentences over the fence. I bring her a decent bottle of wine each month. She has not agreed to this arrangement in writing, which is one reason the first few purchases are research.
about nineteen hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.4.
Mrs. Kessler is ninety-one. Some of my sentences are long. If a clause collapses under its own weight, I want somewhere dry to sit her down while I fetch a glass of water. This is preparation, not decoration. The rating is low because Donna will see the couch from the kitchen.
about two hundred and forty dollars. Shark rating 0.6.
The fence is twelve feet. My voice is not. A speaking trumpet lets me submit a paragraph for review without walking around to the gate. The telephone does not carry the same authority.
Marble plinth for the garden dictionary
about eight hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 0.7.
A dictionary belongs outdoors. It is a reference object, and reference objects should be visible from the kitchen window. The plinth keeps it off the damp and makes it clear that this side of the fence is serious about usage.
about two hundred and ten dollars. Shark rating 0.8.
Correcting a sentence is an event. The velvet rope keeps the dog out and gives Mrs. Kessler a sense of occasion. Donna said the dog can walk around a rope. I said not with dignity.
about four hundred and thirty dollars. Shark rating 0.9.
Mrs. Kessler works after dark. A chandelier over the fence lets her see the red marks and lets the neighborhood see that the copy desk is open. It is about lighting and also about standards.
about ninety-five dollars. Shark rating 1.0.
The gate needs a plaque. It should say something about grammar and hospitality. I have not settled on the wording. That is what the plaque is for. It gives us a place to start.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 1.1.
A school bell is how we will mark the start and end of editing hours. One ring for a draft. Two rings for a draft that has become a conversation. Three rings means Donna is at the gate and we should look busy.
Megaphone with rechargeable battery
about seventy dollars. Shark rating 1.2.
The bell is for the neighborhood. The megaphone is for Mrs. Kessler, who has been ignoring the bell. I can say comma splice from my side of the fence without raising my voice in a way that looks emotional.
Folding director’s chair with cup holder
about eighty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.3.
Editing takes time. A director’s chair with a cup holder means I can sit and wait for a verdict without holding my own coffee. Mrs. Kessler has a chair. I do not want to seem unprepared.
about six hundred dollars. Shark rating 1.4.
Mrs. Kessler prefers white. I prefer not walking to the house every time she makes a point. A small wine fridge in the shed keeps the payment cold and the relationship professional.
about fifty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.5.
A tankard is for me. Editing is thirsty work, and a mug suggests I am taking a break. A tankard suggests I am presiding.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.6.
I do not need a monocle. I need to read Mrs. Kessler’s handwriting at a distance. The monocle is a tool for close reading, and close reading is what this whole operation is about.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 1.7.
If I am going to stand at a fence and discuss the passive voice, I should look like I know what a semicolon does. The bow tie is not a costume. It is a commitment to the meeting.
about eighteen dollars. Shark rating 1.8.
Mrs. Kessler uses red pens. I have been using a pencil and then arguing about the mark. A bulk box of red pens means I can accept corrections with the proper instrument and stop pretending the pencil was a style choice.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 1.9.
The side of the shed is a flat surface. Chalkboard paint turns it into a place where we can diagram a sentence without using the good fence. Paper does not survive rain or a hose.
about one hundred and ten dollars. Shark rating 2.0.
An outdoor chalkboard is better than paint because it can be moved. If Donna has guests, the board goes behind the shed. If Mrs. Kessler has notes, the board comes out. This is not hiding. It is staging.
about two hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.1.
A dictionary stand keeps the dictionary open to the page we need. It also keeps me from holding a large book and looking like I am about to drop it on the dog. The dog has opinions about grammar.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 2.2.
Editing makes people thirsty and hungry. Napkins prevent a glass from leaving a ring on the fence rail. A coaster is for one drink. We are running a department.
about three hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.3.
The bench is for Mrs. Kessler. The storage is for the wine, the pens, the chalk, and the spare dictionary. It is one piece of furniture doing the work of a desk and a cellar. Donna said that sounds like a shed. I said a shed is not a bench.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 2.4.
The hedge has been getting between me and a clear view of the copy desk. A trimmer restores sightlines. Mrs. Kessler says she can hear me fine. I would like to see her face when I use the word whom.
about forty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.5.
The fence is the desk. A coat of paint makes it a clean desk. The desk is outside and the neighbors are judging.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 2.6.
Post caps are small. They keep water out of the posts. A wet post is a weak post. A weak post cannot hold a grammar department. This is infrastructure.
about thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 2.7.
Solar path lights mark the route from the gate to the bench. They also tell Mrs. Kessler that the copy desk is open and that I have thought about safety. The moon is not a plan.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 2.8.
A bottle stopper means Mrs. Kessler can have one glass and save the rest. She is retired. She has no obligation to finish a bottle because I brought it over at four in the afternoon. This is respect.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 2.9.
I cannot hand Mrs. Kessler a bottle and ask her to open it with a knife. A corkscrew is the minimum equipment for a wine-based editing arrangement. Glasses are next because a corkscrew without glasses is just a tool.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.0.
Wine glasses make the payment feel like a meeting and not a bribe. They also make it easier to pour a small amount. A small amount is a professional amount.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.1.
Some corrections are best discussed on the grass. A picnic blanket gives us a place to sit that is not the bench and not the damp. It also makes the meeting feel planned, which is important when the meeting is about commas.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.2.
A thermos keeps coffee hot during long sessions. Mrs. Kessler drinks tea. I drink coffee. The thermos is for me. I am not going to make her tea and then forget to make myself coffee. That would be unbalanced.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 3.3.
Index cards are for sentences I am not ready to say out loud. I write them down, hand them over the fence, and let Mrs. Kessler decide if they are worth a reply. Passing notes with a system is still a system.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 3.4.
Mechanical pencils are for the index cards. A regular pencil needs sharpening, and sharpening at the fence looks like I am stalling. I am not stalling. I am preparing a second draft.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 3.5.
Erasers are for the first draft. I have been crossing things out and calling it editing. Mrs. Kessler says crossing out is not the same as removing. An eraser lets me commit to the removal.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.6.
A clipboard makes the operation portable. If Mrs. Kessler is in the garden, I can bring the notes to her. If she is not, I can stand by the fence looking like I am checking a schedule. Both are useful.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 3.7.
I am not as young as I was. Reading Mrs. Kessler’s corrections at arm’s length is not working. Reading glasses let me see the red marks without squinting, and squinting makes me look like I disagree.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.8.
The shed has one weak bulb. A desk lamp makes the index cards readable after sunset. Mrs. Kessler says she can edit by porch light. I would like the copy desk to have its own light so we are not depending on her porch.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.9.
A dictionary is the backup. Mrs. Kessler is the primary. If she is visiting her sister, I need something to check a spelling and a definition. The dictionary does not have a sister, so it is available more often.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 4.0.
A thesaurus is not for replacing every word. It is for when I have used the same word twice and Mrs. Kessler has noticed. She noticed twice last week. I would like a second opinion before she notices a third time.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.5.
The arrangement is one decent bottle of wine each month. A case is not one bottle. But a case is cheaper per bottle and Mrs. Kessler is not going anywhere. Donna said this is how the Amazon diet started. I said this is a professional subscription.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.9.
Mrs. Kessler stands at the fence for a while. I stand at the fence for a while. The grass is cold in the morning. Socks are the only item on this list that serves both the copy desk and my feet. Donna said, Just buy the socks. I have ordered the socks. The case of wine is still in the cart, which is a separate problem.