I cancelled ClassPass this month. It was about eighty dollars a month, or roughly nine hundred and sixty dollars a year. I used it for classes. The classes were mostly movements I already knew, performed in a room with a clock. The park has a clock if I bring one. The park also has grass, air, and no scheduling app. Here is what the money could buy instead.
about two hundred and forty dollars. Shark rating 0.42.
One studio had a light fixture that made the warmup feel like an event. I am not saying the park needs a chandelier. I am saying the evening session needs a focal point that is not a trash can. This hangs from a branch. Donna asked why the park needs a chandelier. I told her the park does not. The workout does. That rating is the number I give a purchase when Donna will see the box before I see the benefit.
about three hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.67.
The instructor used to say find your spot. My spot needs a base. A marble pedestal raises the water bottle to eye level and makes the stretching portion feel official. It is also a place to put the megaphone between sets. If Donna asks, it is garden sculpture. It is not garden sculpture.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 0.91.
The early class had music and a mirrored ceiling. I cannot install a ceiling in a park. I can hang a disco ball from an oak. The light will move across the grass. The park will not know what hit it. Donna will know.
about six thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.53.
The class was one room. The park is not one room. I need to get from the stretching area to the sprint area without spending the workout on walking. This is transportation. It also holds the sandbag. Donna said we are not a golf cart family. I said we are now a park fitness family with a golf cart. That rating is the number for a purchase that has a motor and a paper trail.
about thirty-five dollars. Shark rating 1.14.
Part of what I paid for was someone telling me what to do. I can be that someone. The megaphone is for form cues, countdowns, and reminding the park that it closes at sunset. It is not for arguing. I have tested the volume. It is also for arguing.
about two thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.86.
Recovery was part of the class experience, if you count sitting on a mat and staring at the ceiling. This is recovery with heat. I will set it up after the park session, sit inside, and think about the money I am not spending on a monthly membership. It is a tent with a heater. It is also a place to hide from the weather and from the question of whether this was necessary.
about one thousand dollars. Shark rating 0.61.
The classes sometimes ended with everyone looking tired. A cold plunge makes tired official. I will fill it with the hose. I will get in for a short time and make a sound that can be heard from the kitchen. This is not a pool. This is a commitment to recovery.
about two thousand five hundred dollars. Shark rating 0.93.
The studio had a chair in the corner. It was plastic. This one has more going on. I will use it after the park session while I plan the next park session. Donna asked where it would go. I said the living room. She asked where I would go. I said the park.
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 1.32.
The park has no roof. ClassPass had a roof. This is the closest I can get without building a structure. It goes over the mat. It goes over the chandelier if the wind is right. It gives the session a headquarters.
about one hundred and twenty dollars. Shark rating 1.07.
The class had timed intervals. The park has no timer. This is a timer that looks official. I will put it near the curb and feed it nothing. It will remind me that time is a construct and also that I have not paid for parking. It is a prop. It is infrastructure. I can hold both ideas.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 1.44.
The class had stations. The park has no stations. These make stations. I will set them up in a line and move between them. They also tell other people that the patch of grass is in use. They do not legally tell them that. They suggest it.
about eighty dollars. Shark rating 1.21.
The cones suggest a boundary. This enforces the suggestion. I will not fence off the whole park. Just the part with the chandelier and the pedestal. This is a lane. A lane is a fitness concept.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 2.03.
The class had a floor. The park has grass and a small amount of mud. This is a floor that rolls up. It goes under the mat so the mat knows it is welcome. It also makes the tent feel like a room. We already have a rug. This one has seen the outdoors.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.26.
The class had music. I have a phone. The phone has a speaker that sounds like a phone. This sounds like a small event. I will keep the volume at a level that says fitness and not block party. I will fail. I will adjust.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.82.
If I am going to cue form, I should be heard. The megaphone is for distance. The microphone is for nuance. I will not sing. I will count reps and say things like chest up. The park does not need a host. The park has one now.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 2.11.
The microphone needs a place to stand. So does the phone when it records the session. I am not filming for an audience. I am filming so I can review my form and confirm that I did the movements. The tripod also holds the ring light. It is a staff position.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 1.73.
The class had mirrors. The park has shadows. This gives the session a better chance of looking like it happened. It also helps me see the whistle in the grass. The park is not a content studio. The park is a gym. The light is for safety.
about eight dollars. Shark rating 2.54.
The class had a whiteboard. The park has pavement. Chalk is a whiteboard that washes away. I will write the workout on the path and then do the workout. I will not write anything about Donna. I will write her name once, in the warmup section, because she is part of the team.
about ten dollars. Shark rating 2.31.
The stations need spacing. The chalk lines need straightness. The tent needs a footprint. This tape measures all of it. I will not use it to measure the golf cart. I already know the golf cart is large.
about fifteen dollars. Shark rating 3.02.
The class had a clock. I have a phone. The phone has a clock that also has notifications. This is a clock with one job. I will start it at the beginning of the interval and stop it at the end. The rest is discipline.
about six dollars. Shark rating 2.84.
A stopwatch is quiet. A whistle is not. This is for interval starts and for when someone wanders into the cone lane. I will use it sparingly. Sparingly is not a number. It is a promise.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 2.61.
The class had agility work. The park has flat ground. This makes the ground less flat. I will put it on the grass and step through it. It is also how I get the disco ball into the oak. Donna said no ladders after the gutter. I said this is a fitness ladder. She said no.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.23.
The ladder is for feet. These are for feet with ambition. I will set them in a row and step over them. They are low. They are not a fence. They are a suggestion for the feet. The park needs two kinds of stepping because the class had two kinds of stepping.
about one hundred and fifty dollars. Shark rating 2.92.
The class had pushing. I can push a sled. I will load it with the sandbag and push it across the grass. I will not push it near the parking meter. That is a different kind of interval.
about sixty dollars. Shark rating 3.41.
The class had weights. A kettlebell is a weight with a handle. I will swing it and carry it. I will not swing it near the chandelier. That is not a form cue. That is a rule.
about fifty dollars. Shark rating 3.13.
The kettlebell is metal. The sandbag is not. It can be dropped. It can be carried on the shoulder. It can sit in the golf cart and make the golf cart look like it has a job. Donna says the sandbag is the most reasonable thing on this list so far. That worries me.
about seventy dollars. Shark rating 3.34.
The class had ropes. These are ropes that do not tie anything. They wave. I will wave them for intervals and then coil them. The coiling is the hard part. The rope looks like a snake. The snake is a training tool.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 3.78.
The class had bands. These are bands that fit in a pocket and do not require a golf cart. I will use them for warmups and for the days when the park is crowded and the sled is not practical. They are also a backup for the battle rope if the battle rope gets tangled. It will get tangled.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 3.62.
The class had a bar. The park has a tree. This bar goes on the tree or in a doorway. I will use it for pull-ups and hangs. I will not use it to hang the chandelier. The chandelier is a branch situation.
about forty dollars. Shark rating 3.51.
The class had floor work. These are handles for the floor. They keep my wrists off the grass and make the push-up portion feel like a station. They are small. They fit in the tent. They are for the park. They are not for the living room. That is the deal.
about ninety dollars. Shark rating 2.43.
The class had recovery. This is recovery that makes a noise. I will use it on my calf after the park session. I will not use it on the TV. I will not use it on anyone else. That is the rule.
about thirty dollars. Shark rating 4.12.
The class had a mat. The park has grass that is sometimes wet. This is a mat. It goes on the outdoor rug. It goes in the tent. It goes under me when I do the movements. It is not complicated. That is why it is winning.
about twenty-five dollars. Shark rating 4.21.
The class had a foam roller in the corner. I used it once. This one is mine. It rolls on the floor and hurts in a useful way. It also gives me something to do while I explain why the sauna is still a good idea.
about twenty dollars. Shark rating 4.53.
The class had a water fountain. The park has a water fountain that may or may not work. This bottle is a backup plan with a lid. I will fill it at home. I will carry it in the golf cart. I will not leave it in the tent. I will leave it in the tent. I know this.
about twelve dollars. Shark rating 4.82.
The park has no ceiling. ClassPass had a ceiling. This is the difference between a monthly fee and a sunburn. I will put it on before the session and not just carry it. I will also put it on the back of my neck. Donna said that is the first sensible sentence I have said today. I am choosing to take that as support.
about eighteen dollars. Shark rating 4.61.
The shoes need socks. ClassPass did not provide socks. This is a gap in the membership model. I will buy enough socks that the laundry becomes a scheduling issue rather than a moral one. Socks are not a personality. They are a foundation. That is the argument I am making.
about one hundred and thirty dollars. Shark rating 5.0.
This is the whole point. ClassPass cost about eighty dollars a month. A pair of running shoes with soles intact costs about one hundred and thirty dollars once. I will not wear them in the house. I will not wear them to the beach. I will wear them in the park while doing the movements I already know. Donna has heard this argument before. She has also seen the other thirty-six items. She said, Just buy the damn thing. I bought the shoes. Then I remembered the chandelier was already in the cart.